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"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened." - Mark Twain
About the time I was turning 50 I saw a birthday card that asked "So you think
nothing could be worse than turning 50?"
The punch line inside was "Just Wait!!!". I thought that was pretty harsh, but
probably realistic.
But, I'm still waiting, and so far nothing has been worse than turning 50. At
59 1/2 I was itching to be able to say I was 60 and in great shape; now that
I'm almost 61, I can truthfully say I'm in better shape than when I turned 60,
or really, any time in my life.
That statement has to be qualified of course. So let me say this about that.
Current me could kick ass on any previous me that comes to mind, including the
one that finished eight weeks of army basic training in December 1969.
Fortunately I didn't get drafted into the marines or I might have something to
worry about. If you think they didn't draft guys into the marines during
VietNam, you're wrong. Maybe if you made a fuss they would not force you, but I
didn't see anybody try - or maybe they didn't have to force anyone because they
got enough volunteers - I'm old and I was being drafted, so sue me. Actually,
please don't, that's just a figure of speech. It would be hard on me, I'm old.
And if I couldn't kick my ass, then I could definitely outrun me, unless
previous me is like Agent Smith in 'The Matrix' and I surround me before I know
I'm there.
However, I digress. My point is that turning 50 was a low point psychologically
and a few subsequent years fulfilled my expectations that things would
only get worse. Let me give you some examples.
This one seems trivial, almost humorous, but when you're living it you don't
get the joke. There was an article in the paper about the things that start
happening to you when you turn 50. What a coincidence!!! Not really, I just
happen to be on the leading age of the baby-boomers so the media keeps me
current on what's going on with me. This is just a case in point. (It was so
nice when everyone catered to us - just think if we'd had the disposable income
kids have now).
Back to my case in point. I found out that if you start getting
skin tags, you might not be in your forties anymore. Great, not only am I
a recovering - born in the rural Arkansas flatlands (at least I'm not a hillbilly), 33 years
roller derby free -
redneck,
but I'm a recovering (last time I checked the list) old
redneck with a
disgusting white thing on a little white (and when I say "white", I mean "something growing out of a zombie white") stalk, now identified as a "skin tag", growing out of my upper lip
to prove it. First hair in and on my ears, and the nostril hair - you don't want to know. This was worse than any of those.
I kept cutting it off but stopping the blood in time to get to work was a problem, and it just kept growing back; I was afraid I'd
get anemic in spite of stepping up the iron supplements and stockpiling my own blood, so I grew a mustache; a few months later I was curious, so I looked close and the bristles
were growing through the thing which had MIRVed and was all gnarly and weird; when I poked it, it just crumbled into pieces and fell off - it was so cool.
I could go on, and as a matter of fact, I did go on, but my wife thinks I'm getting too gross. I tell her the young people love it, but she doesn't care. Sorry, kids.
That one worked out lucky, like so many things in my life; but what I really
want to talk about are the many instances where I went through an old-age thing
and came out ok - I believe because I started that exercise habit in 1978.
Hopefully this won't sound like just some old geezer bellyaching about his
miseries. These are things that could have been miseries but actually worked
out ok. Which is why I'm telling you about them. You could have some of these
same things or worse in your future. I want to convince you that by starting
now to exercise for mood and energy every day and using Energy Focused Exercise
principles to keep it from being drudgery you can drastically increase your
odds of avoiding a lot of problems associated with age and coping better with
the ones that get you anyway.
Malaise - I had a spell where I just felt listless most of the time for several
weeks. I just assumed it was old age catching up with me. I don't know if it
was nutrition or psychosomatic or what. I should have gone to a doctor but I
didn't. During that whole time I continued to ride the exercise bike although I
just sort of slogged through it; even reading a book during, which is something I never
did before, or since. I still got a good enough ride that I was sweaty and out
of breath at the end and actually in a good mood and feeling more energetic. At
some point I just decided I wanted to try doing the full-on rides I did before to
get the Endorphins monkey off my back. After that everything was back to normal;
gradually or all at once, I don't remember.
Arthritis - When I was about 52 I started getting pain and stiffness on the
right side of my neck near the back. It was different from just a sore neck; it
felt like chunks of ragged Plexiglass were embedded between my muscles and
every time I moved they jammed everything up and gouged into the muscles. This
was before I started jumping rope - at the time I was working from home, and I
would do calisthenics or weights in the evening as a change from the bike. I
thought maybe that was the problem so I cut back and it only got worse.
I went to an orthopedic surgeon, he took x-rays and told me it was arthritis -
showed me the x-rays. He prescribed physical therapy sessions. He didn't seem
very optimistic that it was going to get much better, so I was convinced that
the enjoyable part of my life was pretty much over. One of the chief things
you're advised to do is maintain good head and neck posture all the time, which
for neck problems means don't look up, down, or all around if it means moving
your head.
I wasn't optimistic, but I figured feeling as good as possible was better than
the alternative so I decided to work as hard as I could at the physical
therapy. And it was hard. I know as sure as I know anything that I would have
given up or slacked off if not for the years of riding the exercise bike that
gradually gave me the ability to "zone out" which in turn gave me the ability
to "gut it out". The small amount of resistance training I had done off and on
over the years let me appreciate the pump from the physical therapy at the same
time I was "suffering" (it hurts so good, honest - this from the guy who got
bawled out for "crying" during PT in basic training - I was really just
whining, but it was pretty pathetic). Anyhow, I finished the physical therapy
and kept up the tedious, boring exercises and what do you know. For the last 5
years or more the worst I have is a stiff neck, which is actually improving.
Sometimes when I'm really fatigued I feel a touch of Plexiglass, so I know it's still
there. I think the muscle build up cushions the problem area and it may also
be helped by increased blood flow.
Heartburn - I've mentioned a number of times that I first had heartburn when I
was about twelve, but I'm pretty sure that was triggered by sulfa drugs, and I don't remember when it
started in earnest, somewhere in my early twenties, probably. It was full-on when I started riding the exercise bike
in 1978 but fairly under control most of the time, as I remember - thanks to baking soda mostly. Minor
heartburn was such a part of my life it's hard to recall day to day details. I
don't remember how bad the heartburn would ordinarily get when I rode the bike,
but I know there were many times I would start out with heartburn, it would get
worse during the ride, but it would normally be completely gone when I
finished. During the periods I would "get serious" about my weight the
heartburn would decrease, and of course riding the bike helped with that.
There's no telling how heavy I would have gotten if not for the bike to keep me
focused on feeling good and to help burn off some of the calories. In the long
run of course, it all lead to JumpRock so that now I'm almost heartburn free.
Kidney Stones - The worst part of having kidney stones was this one time when
they busted some up into a bunch of fragments and they all packed up where
you'd expect and I
started getting really sick and I barely remember driving to the doctor's and
then to the hospital and then they jammed me face down on a table and crushed
my face as they punched a hole in my back to put in a shunt so the urine could
drain and then after two days I went home with a drainage bag on my back except
they just slapped it on and stuff was running all down my back and the walk-in
place where I first went wouldn't touch it and after I slept in it for a night
or so changing towels every hour or so I got hold of someone who would
authorize replacing it for which I was charged $300 or something like that and
then I had a shunt for a couple of months or so which scratched inside and then
they had to stick a wire up where you would expect to fish around for the shunt
and pull it out of the opening that you would expect. The End.
So you can imagine my trepidation when, after weekly x-rays for months I had to
go back in later to get the stuff they missed. And then later to get the other
stuff they still missed. But the last time things had moved further along, so
they had to use a laser in one of the tubes that you would expect. I wasn't
really comfortable with that, but it worked out ok.
So, what does this all have to do with exercise? To begin with, I had the
kidney stone originally for several years but didn't know it. I kept getting
this dull ache in my lower back and toward the side. But it was really hard to
pin down where it really was. Sometimes it seemed to be all the way down in my
crotch. I figured it was psychosomatic because it always seemed worse when I
was stressed. Usually I just worked through it, but if I was working someplace
I didn't like and it was a long commute, I might have left a little early on
some of the days I was stricken. Like say, 10:00 AM on at least one occasion.
It's an ill wind...
Seriously, one of the things that relieved the pain was, you guessed it, riding
the exercise bike. I don't remember if it worked each and every time, but I do
know it worked a lot of the time. Finally, when I
got it checked out, the doctor told me that the stone was moving around and
when it blocked the exit from my kidney was when I felt the pain. That was
followed by the fiasco I described above. Mind you all this was about the time
of the skin tag incident, so I was really feeling low. I didn't look good, or
feel good.
During the time I had the shunt in I quit the contract I was on - shortly after
the drainage bag thing when I was just pretty much freaked and couldn't deal
with the pressure. So one of the few things that kept me feeling good was
riding the bike. But, when I did, I could feel the shunt scratching around
inside and there was blood in my urine. So I called the doctor and told him the
situation and asked if it was safe to keep riding the bike. Does he answer my
question? No, he does not. He says something to imply it was obvious, but the
wording was ambiguous. So I said something like "Yeah, but is it safe?". I
probably sounded irritated because his tone became more serious, by which I
mean, less jovial, and he said it shouldn't cause any problems.
He probably thought I was looking for an excuse to not ride. He obviously
didn't get exercise of any form including pushing back from the table. He once
asked me why I looked so much younger even though we were about the same age. I
told him it was because I dyed my hair (supposedly to avoid ageism in the
programmer for hire biz) but really, that wasn't his biggest problem. I saw a
picture of him in the paper a couple of years later - his hair was dyed and he was
just as fat as ever if not more so. Funny story - when I was so sick but before it was apparent
something was really wrong, he forgot me in a treatment room once and I was too out of it to realize how much time
was passing. A nurse stumbled across me as I recall.
Question: What do they call the person graduating last in their
class from medical school?
Answer: Doctor.
That applies to all 'experts', so keep it in mind.
Ear - Around 1996 my right ear started becoming plugged sometimes so when I
talked I would hear my voice echoing loudly in my right ear. It was more
annoying than anything. What was most annoying was that if I sniffed in through
my nose it would clear the problem, for a little while. Sometimes it would
happen over and over and it would be almost impossible not to sniff each time,
so it was embarrassing.
I went to ear, nose and throat guys and they did cat scans and treated me
endlessly for allergies and nothing worked. The problem started getting really
bad because my inner ear would be painful a big part of the time from the pressure. I
took allergy shots for over a year from supposedly a highly-regarded place with
no improvement - but they would have gone on happily for the rest of my life I
guess.
Finally I went to an ear clinic somebody told me about. and it turns out I have
serous otitis media and more specifically, abnormal patency of the
Eustachian tube, which I didn't know until I just now read it. I have to have a
ventilation tube replaced in my eardrum every few months. The first time I had
it done was by an ENT butcher who was experimenting to find out why the
pressure was negative in my ears. It hurt even worse than the shunt fishing
incident but didn't last as long. Just before they did it the nurse told me
they usually did it in an operating room under anesthesia. Just before!!! No
anesthetic at all and I thought I was going to break my toes they curled so
hard. Then he did the other ear!!! He wouldn't let me use ear plugs when I
showered so I kept getting ear infections. Finally I just had him take them
out and that was the last time I saw him. The problem was gone for a few months but finally came back, which lead to
the allergy treatments, etc. Ear tubes didn't seem like the answer because of the infections
and because I couldn't hear normally, or even close to it - so I don't know what
Dr. Ear, Nose, and Vivisection had in mind or what he put in my ears, but I remember
the horror that still lingers as I fled from
The Office Suite of Dr. Moreau
(This is not about a real ENT named "Moreau", just a reference to where he got his
training).
But, at the ear clinic, they weren't just experimenting. They knew what the
problem was, they knew the treatment, they knew to do just the one ear,
they used a tube that allowed me to hear normally, and they knew to use local anesthetic when they
inserted the tube so it's actually painless. So if you have a similar problem, don't worry about that part,
just make sure you see someone who knows what they're doing. I'm sure there are
ENT's who aren't clueless, but I've never had the pleasure. Oh, I did get my deviated septum operated
on, which also didn't help with the ear thing, but I do breathe better.
As far as exercise helping, I don't know if it did. I used to ride and concentrate on not
sniffing and do visualizations of one kind or another. At least I had the illusion that I
was doing something positive when nothing else seemed to be working. And it did seem like I had longer
intervals of relief after riding, but that could have been my imagination.
I can always tell when the tube in my ear needs to
be replaced because I start getting symptoms of blockage and my voice echoing
in my ear and I keep sniffing to clear it. You can see it in some of the videos.
So here's what's really huge. The last time I started having symptoms I went back
and the doctor told me the tube was in place and working.
He told me the symptoms could be caused by my Eustachian tubes
starting to function intermittently. Since then, I've had the same minor symptoms off and on, but
nothing like when I've gone without a tube for a long time, so I know it's
in there and working. This is the first
time in the 6 or 7 years I've had the tube in that there's been any sign of
improvement in the underlying condition.
Now here's the thing that's really weird. I jumped pretty hard the other day
for about an hour and a quarter. When I came in, my muscles or glands or both
were quite visibly swollen up around the point of my right jaw. It wasn't painful, just
stiff and it was difficult to swallow. I don't know why, but it didn't seem
serious, so I wasn't concerned. Strangest of all, my right ear had no symptoms,
none at all. The swelling was nearly completely gone within 24 hours and I've
had almost no symptoms in my ear for two or three days now.
Miscellaneous - I started getting "charley-horses" from time to time on the right side of
my stomach muscles sometime in my forties. They used to make me straighten out with great urgency,
like a charley-horse in the leg. Now I can just brace my muscles and stop them. When I get
cramps in my neck working at the computer I can generally straighten my
neck forcefully and take the kinks out. I get visual
migraine auras, but never the headaches or any of the other symptoms. That
may not be from exercise, but I like to think it is. When I was a kid and into my early
thirties I would sometimes get headachy. nauseous, and weak for
no apparent reason, but I don't remember if I experienced auras at the same time.
Fountain of Youth? Does the daily purge of toxins from my system enable
some healing properties
you wouldn't normally expect? I don't know, but after the results I've
gotten, I'm not counting anything out and I'm excited to see what comes next.
After all, the most dramatic changes have happened within the last two years.
On occasion, I've felt what I assume is my age and I don't care for it. Most
of the time I feel just about as young as I can ever remember. And I'll kick the
ass of any younger me that cares to challenge that.
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